Relationships

Relationships are funny. 

I don't think that there are such things as "close" relationships. I think there is either "relatedness" or there is not. It doesn't matter if it is for a second or for decades. It is there or it isn't. Relatedness doesn't take time and relationship in its pure form is actually very rare. 

I think, most relationship is actually self-referential gratification. We are not focused on the other person. I think we are focused - unconsciously - on our multiple desires. The desire to be liked, the desire to be seen and heard. To feel good. The desire to prove a past pain wrong, "See, they like me." or "I will prove that I am worthy." From the most subtle to the most powerful, the list of desires is almost endless.

Ultimately, I think all these desires are the desire for the ego to feel alive. The ego is a ghost that needs repeated reminders of its existence, otherwise the terror of death - not being - invades and causes great fear.

If the other person (also an ego) in the relationship measures up to that desire and our ego is fed, then we say that we like them or we love them, if they do not measure up or feed the ego what it wants, then we are not happy with them or we are disappointed.  

The other person, in turn, is playing the same unconscious game, sending out signals according to their own conditioning. These signals are challenges to our perception, hitting it and skewing it in a particular direction. These signals are coming from the ego in the form of a personality and its underlying cause - fear. All of which attempts to obscure the clear perception of who that person actually is.

Relationships are mostly two egos trying to feed. A pair of ghosts attempting to prove their substance.

We rarely see the other person for who they actually are.

The Story of "Me"

I was playing a video game that had a main character and a storyline to it. It was a long game that I played for about a month or two. In that time, it became a familiar world that I returned to with familiar faces and places. The struggle of the character was clear and I was absorbed by it.

Then the game was over. The story was done.

I felt this feeling of emptiness. I wanted more. I wanted the story to continue.

I became aware of these feelings. They were no different than my own attachment to my own story, my own struggles. I don't want my story to end either.

Somewhere in here is the core of the way our brains are wired to make something that is make-believe, real. How we can watch a movie and react to it as if it is real, even though we intellectually know that it is just moving light and sound on a screen. A phantom.

The events in my life are real but what I make them mean is often conditioned by my past. If I am unconscious, my reality now will be looked at through a conditioned context - a filter of awareness - that already colors experiences as they happen.

To drop all of that is to see things clearly. But, like the game, there is something within me that doesn't want the story making to end.

The ego is really dug in there but I am very interested to see what reality is like without it.

No more of this story I am telling myself of 'me' having to struggle, fight, survive.

Could that be what life actually is?

Depth

I took a look within and saw something that I would call "the activity of the ego".

This activity took the form of concerned thoughts about "me" that generated emotional reactions - mostly fear, anger, withdrawing. This casue and effect happened very fast, nearly instantaneously.

The main theme of these thoughts was that "I" wasn't safe in some way shape or form. There was an imminent threat, or I was already in trouble and needed to get out of it.

I saw that these thoughts were "world generating" thoughts. I call them that because - if I believed them - they would generate a world in which I wasn't safe and I would then have to react accordingly.

The thought, "I am not safe." generates an emotion and provokes a reaction where "I" must be and act a certain way. 

The thought, "They are mad at me." generates an emotion and provokes a reaction to act a certain way.

To see all this in operation is to see the endless futility of the ego. To see this is to see the reason behind all of human suffering and conflict.

To see all this in operation is to be out of the cycle of unconsciousness. Something else is looking. Other questions that have nothing to do with self-concern begin to arise. Questions that move vertically instead of laterally, questions that go deeper into reality.

It isn't about "more", which dissipates energy. 

It is about "depth", which intensifies energy.

Looking From Another Angle

I always hear about letting go. Letting go of attachments to things. Letting go of desire. Letting go of hurt and anger.

I have found that there is freedom in letting go. Don't stress about things. All that stuff.

But what about the things I haven't let go of and that still cause me suffering?

When I look into it closely, I find that it doesn't make sense for me to let it go, there is such a strong attachment that I do not see the value in letting go, even if it causes me pain. My mind will try to justify the reasons why I should change my life around to accomodate the attachment and alleviate the pain or suffering around it. It is a blind spot. I may not be seeing things straight, especially if it is causing me to suffer.

I always wondered, "If I want it so bad, then how do I let this go?" I can't lie to myself. If it feels like I need to hold on to it, I can't pretend that I don't want it. What do I do?

Then I had an insight that made me look at it in a different way.

I asked myself the question, "If I hold on to this desire, where is the desire leading me?"

That led me to thinking about the desire as a program that is designed for a certain purpose. Who was the programmer of that desire? What is the end state of that desire? Does that desire have my happiness in mind? Is that desire conscious? Is it rooted in fear or hurt?

Now when I look at these desires and attachments with these questions in mind, I see them in a different light.

Live From There

Suffering is like having the flu or being poisoned. 

Suffering is the hurt of the past living in the present moment.

We keep it alive through constant thinking about it.

The thinking is trying to keep the "I" safe from a percieved threat.

All this can be overcome by surrendering to what is. 

Live in complete surrender to what is and move toward what brings you relief, joy and peace.

Balance is abiding. Peace is abiding. Remain rooted there. Move from there. Think from there.

Live from there.

The Illusionary "I"

Be vigilant, the illusion can strike at any time and it plays to win at all costs.

In order to strike, it must reveal itself, therefore if you are vigilant, the darkness has no power over you.

The only way it can overcome you is if you fail to recognize it, but it can always be recognized in its effect: suffering, pain, hurt, and all that grows from there.

There is an "I" who has a problem. That is the effect. 

Once the snake has bitten you, you then have to transmute the venom. All venom can be transmuted instantly but most of the time the venom has to run its course. 

This the suffering of the ego, the "I". 

I Am Life

Life constantly unfolds like a flower.

As long as I am not trying to force it to unfold, I am relaxed. 

As long I don't expect it to look a certain way, I am never frustrated.

Life is a surprise. Ten years ago, I never expected to be where I am right now. It has been like that throughout my life even though my mind has tried to forsee, plot and predict my future.

My mind thinks it knows who I truly am, but it has no idea. It never has.

If I silently observe what is happening, I see that I am unfolding like life.

The past has no hold on me. The future doesn't really exist.

There is only this moment where life is happening.

I am life.

No Mind

The mind always has an agenda.

And the mind always takes itself very seriously. 

The mind exists inside of life. 

And life is ever changing, ever moving. 

Life has no idea, no concept, no agenda whatsoever.

Life is a constant flow, an ever moving interplay of order and chaos.

The mind is constantly trying to clean up the messiness of life, it is always trying to impose its will upon the flow of life.

When the mind sees itself as succeeding, it is happy.

When the mind sees itself is failing, it suffers.

No-mind just sees life.

Trust Life

When the whole thing breaks down, there's nothing that can be done.

I think the closest thing I can relate it to is getting caught in a big ocean wave. I can't tell up from down, I am struggling for air, gasping it in when and if I can, feeling the immense power of the wave and experiencing my complete and utter smallness. My mortality is held up and felt in a real sense. I am humbled.

Life does that. I think the lesson is to always realize that life is like the ocean, even when it is calm I must reamin in respect and humility to its power. At any moment it can clobber me. If my ego starts running the show and trying to resist the flow, life can crush me like a bug.

At any moment there is always a release valve and that moment is when I realize that there is nothing that can be done - I just have to come back to the essence and that is:

I just want peace.

From that all goodness flows. 

My ego thinks that it can get peace from fighting and resisting. If the world would just conform to what I want then there would be peace. If the ocean would just conform to my needs then I could be happy.

What do I truly want in this moment?

Peace. 

The happiness that has no cause comes from peace. The happiness that is not dependent on anything and therefore cannot be shaken comes from there.

To be there all I have to do is just let go of everything the mind is saying, let go of all the emotional alarms and trust life.

Trust life.

Question The Authority Of Your Ego

I have observed that my ego is not interested in the quality of this moment. 

It is far more interested in the "next moment" - the future - where it believes that something better exists, some sense of being "more" than now. A "better me".

Because it sees the future as containing this "better me", this sense of completeness, accomplishment or well-being, it reduces the present moment to being a means to that end. Therefore, this moment is a state of being "less" and the future is imagined as being "more" - "I will be more kind", "I will be more happy", "I will be more at peace", "I will be more important", etc.

At its core, the ego feels bad, it feels that there's something wrong with itself and life, so it lives in striving, wanting, escaping, needing, demanding, dominating, justifying, so it can cope with this deep sense of being flawed. It's not good enough for the world and the world is not good enough for it.

The assumption the ego makes is that in the present moment, I am less. I am broken. I need fixing, improvement, more awareness, more understanding, more time, more, more, more. That is what the ego says like a broken record in the present moment, because it is striving to get to the mind-projected salvation of the future, where it imagines everything will be "all right", "better", "at peace".

The ego also wants to fix the outside world. "If it was only this way then I could do this, or be that, or have that". 

But it is all a trap.

The ego is using the mind to put a carrot of illusory perfection on a stick which causes us to constantly chase this phantom of "someday", "soon", "becoming", "will be", forever. We can never get to the future because the future... is always in the future. 

Life happens in the present moment. So where and when will happiness emerge?

It emerges now, from being.

What are you present to right now? 

Maybe you feel peace, or maybe you feel the anxiousness of the ego-mind, the urgency, the non-stop monlogue chattering away, trying to pull your sacred attention away from the only moment that matters, the only moment where anything actually exists. 

Peace, love, harmony, sacredness, stillness, joy, insight, compassion, integrity, wholeness, they all only exist... right now.

Question the assumption that you need fixing. Question the urgency to "become" someone or something.

Question the authority of your mind.

Empty Your Cup

When you are a baby, your cup is empty. You are innocent.

Then your cup is filled with all the noise of the world. 

To find peace, you must find a way to empty your cup again. Many fears must be overcome, and things that are tightly held must be let go. At first, it is not an easy path.

Pulling awareness away from the noise, the cup is found to be empty, but as more space is made, something begins to fill it. It is everything that is spoken of - peace, love, joy, sacredness. It would be closer to the truth to say that these things were always there, but all words fall short.

Then, more and more, you find that your cup is running over. There is an abundance, a never ending supply. You must give it to the world.

That is the beginning of your life. You give it to the world.

Find the path. Be vigilant. Empty your cup.

The Source of Who You Are

I have noticed that I can watch my emotions.

I have noticed that I can watch my thoughts.

Both the thoughts and emotions make up what I would call "me", my personality, my identity.

The thoughts and emotions are how I react to the outside. Someone says something and there is an automatic reaction. 

But I have noticed all this, which means that there is some other "I" who notices.

That "I" is the primary space in which all my mental and emotional activity arises and takes place. 

That "I" is constant, timeless and still, yet alive and vibrant.

By asking myself the question, "Who is noticing this?" to all that arises within me - thoughts and emotions - I come into contact with the abiding presence of my own being - the fundamental "I am".

I can exist without my personality, but my personality can't exist without me. The personality is not who I am, in fact, the personality can be a labyrinth to get lost in, a drama to become absorbed by, an endless series of mental emotional noise - problems, fears and doubts.

Wholeness can never be found through the personality. Wholeness can only be found by realizing the source of who you are, which is always Now.

Watch What Happens

The buzz and swirl of life goes on all around me but deep within me there is something that is still.

There is movement within me, thoughts, emotions, concepts, commentary, opinions, pains, discomforts, joys, and excitements but deep within me there is something still that watches all of this.

That still awareness, that unmoving perception has not changed over my entire lifetime. It was as it is now. It cannot be "seen", only "felt". It is somewhat of a paradox because it is an obvious fact yet it cannot be seen. Words are not good for talking about this.

It is like knowing that there is an eye and yet the eye can never see itself.

What is the use of this? 

I have found that by going into this fact, by asking the questions that lead to this I draw my attention - my inner eye - away from the drama and confusion of life and my ego and focus it on that which is changeless. It is solid ground. A foundation.

Doing this creates a spaciousness around all thought and emotion. It creates a gap in the incessant stream of cause and effect, action/reaction that goes on within me. It allows me some space in which to consciously choose rather than unconsiously react. 

It weakens the "magnetic field" of emotions and strong beliefs about myself and life. My awareness isn't instantly bound to them when those emotions and beliefs arise.

Contemplate the witness of all thoughts, emotions and sensations. Find out what is at the root of it. Do not go into fantasy or imagination, stay with the fact. 

Watch what happens.