It Is The Intellect That Seeks

I notice it when I am walking in nature. Whatever is within me that is noisy and rumbling in the background comes to the forefront and I become aware of it.
In order to blend with the silence of the forest I must let go of these concerns and resistances within my mental/emotional being.
It is a process of letting go.
When I let go of these issues, I become more sane, more calm - or rather I merge with the abiding calmness that is always, eternally there. In that calmness there is another kind of knowing, an intelligence that is in harmony with everything.
I keep coming back to this strange realization that a process of taking away yields an intelligence that is vast and deep while a process of accumulation yields a mind that is like a computer which is only able to solve puzzles and regurgitate facts on demand. Accumulation does not seem to yield sanity nor does it yield harmony or anything that is sacred or whole. Accumulation yields an identity that is separate from the whole - thus accumulation yields suffering.
Accumulation does not have anything to do with awareness. It can take it over or obscure it.
Those who seek peace and wholeness must strip away the accumulation of the reactive mind - the intellect/ego which thinks that "it knows" - and let go of seeking.
It is the intellect that seeks.

Use The Force

Every time I come out of a turbulence, I find that there is a great feeling of appreciation for the simple things in my life. It must be that the turbulence of suffering covers up this fact because now that I am sitting here, aware of the gratefulness that is there for the life that surrounds me, I have to admit that it is so.
I have to also admit that any perceived dissatisfaction that I have with my life that causes me to suffer must come from a false or unclear perception of the true nature of what is. It is like I lose touch with the fundamental reality and get lost in a mental/emotional whirlwind of my own making. I know this to be true because many times I have spontaneously "fallen out" of suffering into a complete sense of well-being, usually because I suddenly see the ridiculousness of my argument, suffering or issue with what is.
I have to realize that my perceptual instrument can be very limited in its understanding and scope. I cannot always trust its readings and sometimes I just have to let go and use the Force.

Don't Feed The Monster

When you are in a mental emotional cycle of suffering, it is best to not act
Know that you are on a brief trip and it will end soon but you have to not feed it.
It is like a monster that needs you to feed it. It feeds on your emotions and your thinking. The more you struggle and fight it, the more entrenched it becomes. The more real it becomes.
Watch it and don't react, don't think, don't dance with it. It will leave much faster.
This has been my experience. Some monsters are harder than others but they are all very similar.

As Within, So Without

We are a part of the whole. Nature is fractal.
By consciously stepping out of the pattern we introduce something new into the fabric of the universe.
What does this mean?
Every thing we do and the space we do it from, matters. Nothing is too small. The fabric of the universe is a quantum field of energy and the tiniest fluctuation is recorded and layered upon.
The ego wants the big fanfare, the giant spotlight. Everything is too small for it. It is a massive hole in which miracles can be thrown into and it still does not get enough. It takes the universe and the sublime reality of life for granted. That is how desensitized the ego is. That is how dangerous it is.
If we want peace externally, we must first have peace internally. It does not work the other way around.
Whatever we want externally we must first create internally.
As within, so without.
See the truth in this.

Am I That?

It is night time. The sound of the frogs is crisp and, strangely, brings me joy.
Far off sounds of traffic drift by almost like the sounds of waves.
The night air is cool and the ground still smells of rain.

Everything comes and goes. Sounds, thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions - they are all temporal.
All that remains is space. It is outside of time and infinitely deep.

What is my relationship to that space?

Am I that?

The Instrument

I notice that my whole being is a sensitive instrument. A seismograph that detects tremors inside me and outside me. It detects negativity, excitement, sadness, emotions, resistance, anger, fear, suffering. Imbalances of all kinds within myself and in others.

In the past, it was still sensitive but there was so much noise within that the instrument was lost, I could not sense any disturbances because I was the disturbance. Imagine a seismograph that can only detect earthquakes above 8.5 - that was me.

It only takes intensity to clear out the internal noise. Perhaps there are physical reasons why the seismograph is not sensitive enough - alcohol, drugs, overindulgence - these make the instrument less sensitive. I know this through experience.

The mental and emotional reasons are in - how we cling to the identity, how we want to be right, how we crave more drama, how we want to be "someone", how we want to be heard, how we want to control, our fears and angers. All that generates mental and emotional noise that makes the instrument less sensitive.

Clearing out the noise, letting go of the mental chatter and the emotional churning, seeing it all as just noise is the key. Recognize that there is an argument for everything, for each thread of thinking that says that it is important. It is like throwing things out, there is always some mental or (even stronger) emotional reason to keep it. But it is all junk. In throwing out all the noise, there is no love lost, nothing special is lost, nothing truly important is lost. The capacity to express and feel grows.

 If the instrument is not made sensitive, there is no way to get out of suffering.

Do Not Resist

How do I get out of suffering when I am completely taken over by the identity that suffers?

The only reason why I suffer is that I am acting through a set of conclusions about reality.
This set of conclusions is based on knowledge, which has no relationship to the present moment. Why?
Knowledge is memory. Memory is of the past. The past has no relationship with the present moment.
As soon as it is "now", it is "now". As soon as it is "past", it is "past".
Therefore, all knowledge is not in relationship with the present moment.
Knowledge can serve me mechanically. To bake a cake. To drive a car. To remember words. But knowledge can never "know" something that is alive. It can never know someone. It can never be free. It can never be in harmony with what is.

An argument is holding on to the past. A grievance is holding on to the past.
When the identity that is holding on to the argument realizes that it is doing so, there is a doorway to freedom from the suffering of the argument. It falls away completely.
This takes something. It takes wanting to be free from suffering. It takes wanting peace over wanting to "be right". The identity wants to be right. Being right makes the identity feel stronger.

The identity is afraid. It lives in fear of being hurt. It has built up defenses, walls, aggression. It doesn't want to let go of those things. It is so afraid.

That is why when it reacts to a strong challenge like an angry person, an insult, feeling inferior or feeling afraid, it takes us over with such force that we become it. We are it.

How do I get out of the identity at that moment? How can I be free at that moment?

The only clue is that I am suffering. I am in pain and I will cause pain if I act from that space.

When I know the true cost, I will stop and cease to act. I will not resist. I will not fight. I will only look until I am still, empty and clear. Then I will move from there.

A New Way Of Learning

Knowledge has its place. It is an amazing tool.

It seems that knowledge is an accumulation. I can get more and more of it. It is a thing, like any other thing, like money and technology. Someone - a teacher - can give me more knowledge. I can get it from a book.

More knowledge has not made me a peaceful person. It has not brought a lasting, deep abiding joy. Nor has any other thing brought me this. They may have brought me a momentary 'blip' of novelty - a fleeting joy, but nothing transformative or lasting.

I was walking in the woods, watching my mind slow down, letting all the words go by, not giving them power by becoming concerned or identifying with them. Then there was silence. I was still aware but there was little to no movement of thinking. No concerns about time. I felt peace. I was watching a way of being happening, a sense of wonder. Knowledge was there, dormant, but I could call upon it to operate if I needed it to be there. I was observing a sacred way of living that had nothing to do with knowledge, in fact, it was the act of totally letting go of knowledge that cleared a path for this awareness to arise.

Is knowledge the problem? The stress, the worry, the struggle? Is letting go a way of learning, a way out of suffering?

Live In a "Let Go"

Strange. Life. The experience is beyond any explanation. There really is no way to put it into words because the information is incomplete, like trying to describe something without having the entire picture. Life is always in a state of incompleteness, in a state of motion and transition, there is no static point in which one can claim knowledge.
What does all this mean?It means that all judgements and opinions are relatively worthless. There is something strange though, and that is that everything seems to work out far better than planned when I let go of "having to know". It is like I then become part of that miraculous web of interconnectedness when I stop interfering with my knowledge and conclusions about my situation - what I want and don't want. More and more, I am living my life life in a 'let-go' - like a free fall without needing to know about future or things beyond the moment. Out of that freed-up space arises the miraculous, the unexpected, the sacred. Out of that space arises things happening beyond what I think is possible. It is a form of learning that has nothing to do with accumulation.

The Hot Coal

Why is it that if I grab a hot coal once, I never pick up another one?
Something in my brain links the feeling of pain to an action (series of actions). It is a mechanical thing.

So then why is it that if I think certain thoughts that cause me anxiety and suffering, I don't drop those?
Why don't I immediately see these thoughts and drop them like a hot coal?
I think there are all kinds of reasons why, but I am not so interested in that, I am interested in whether I can be free of suffering. So can I just drop them?

The answer I have found is that I can but I have to perceive reality clearly. I have to recognize the pattern as it is happening or as it begins to happen.


Something happens and I begin to think thoughts that conjure up hurt. The thoughts combine with the hurt (emotion) and begins to color my perception of reality. In essence, I cease to perceive reality as it is and I now perceive reality according to what my suffering says about reality. Take for instance, "They're mad at me. They are jerks. I'm no good." I found that if I live inside that reality, I withdraw, I close off, I become angry and aggressive. I suffer. If I am by myself, I can plunge deep into despair, if I am with another person, I can complain endlessly or I can argue and make them wrong and blame.

Now I can see that pattern. I have been through it enough times to know that the outcome is always some form of hurt.I have seen that the pattern winds up in my suffering which often spills over and hurts another. It is a vicious circle. Pain seeks more pain.

It is a massive cost. It is a hot coal. It is far worse than a hot coal.

So when the pattern begins, when my mind begins to pic up the first subtle (or not so subtle) hints of unhappy thinking, or hurt. I recognize it as imminent danger.

I am en route to destroy my harmony.
I am en route to cause more pain.
I am en route to lose touch with reality and listen to madness.

I have found that it is something that I absolutely cannot abide.

I Will Find Out

I had a pretty interesting insight the other day that is still bubbling.
It has something to do with holding on to ideas of youth.
It's the ego's fear of death and it wants to hold on to the things of youth to pretend that it is immortal - to keep it feeling like it still exists in the past.
It's all about looking at the fact and asking the question, "Is there anything beyond my ego and identity?" What would happen if I dropped it totally? What would happen if I no longer gave it any power, if every time it emerged as a thought or emotion I became aware of it as a danger and made a space around it?
Anyhow, just to look is challenging me at the root. Lots of fear jammed in there and some hard-packed denial and resistance. Can the ego become aware of itself?
What is beyond sex and what is beyond desire and pleasure?
What is beyond being "someone special" and what is beyond "success"?
What is beyond my idea of "the perfect life"?
Can I let it go? Can it be dissolved?
I will find out.

The Fullness of Life

There is salvation in suffering.
It is as if suffering is the fire that burns away the one who suffers. It makes the ego submit.
I am saying this from direct experience of the fact.
There is a cleansing after suffering. There is a return to the essence of what is valuable in life.
This realization may transform my life, or if not experienced completely, the realization will fade and another round of suffering will come and the pattern will continue.
I am aware that death cleanses.
The ego wants immortality, eternal youth, and pleasure.
The ego is also the one who suffers.
The ego cannot refute the inevitability of death and so lives in a state of denial, resistance and escaping.
For the ego to accept death is the end of the ego.
The end of the ego is the end of the one who suffers.
There is peace when the ego is not.
There is fullness of life when the ego is not.
Death is integral for life.

Be the Observer

I cannot stress enough how important it is to not act when in a state of suffering.
I watched as a massive wave of emotional pain flooded through my system pulling at me to fight and resist life. It was like having the flu, draining me of energy and vitality but somehow I managed to stay vigilant and not allow it to grab hold of my consciousness. I was always aware of how dangerous it was and how important it was to not touch it. Its arguments were powerful, why my life was unhappy, why I was unhappy, why I should be upset with one thing and be angry at another thing. It wanted me to identify with it and give it power by complaining and expressing it, but I just watched it, feeling its effect on my body.
Then I felt it become more and more alien. It slowly began to lose its gravity. I felt it loosen its grip. I felt relief begin to flow back into my being.
Every action in a state of inner conflict is fueled by that inner conflict. Every action in a state of anger is an expression of that anger. When in one of those states, cease to act. Make your only act that of observation. Be only that point of observation until the "illness" passes and you will not cause any disturbance in your life.